The particular crisis line isn't a suicide crisis line or something like that; it's a general helpline for kids/teens/youth (up to university students, I think age 25 or something), and I've called them lots of times before in the past six or so years for real issues I was having, so I felt safe because of that...the making up stories part, I've talked about it with T and we have concluded that it is probably because I feel like my own issues aren't big enough to warrant attention/care/someone taking me seriously, so I make up stories in order to have someone take me seriously and tell me the real feelings I have are okay, or just to feel less alone. Or sometimes I write out things that actually did happen to me when I was little and pretend that they're happening now, I guess so I can get the care I needed then and sort of get a "reparative" (?) experience. It's gratifying.


T doesn't judge me for it, and we are working on getting that need met in other ways, but sometimes it's just...there...and overwhelming. And now I just don't feel comfortable talking about it with T at all because I think if I tell her the actual things I said on there, she might realize she took one of my chats in the past, or she might tell it to the other people she works with...I know that would probably be a good thing in the long run, but I just feel like T now has a way to "keep tabs" on one of my maladaptive and very shameful coping mechanisms.


And also I don't feel comfortable now contacting them even if I had a real issue (which I often do, and find them sometimes helpful). I think T would figure out who I was just based on the things I generally say to counsellors on that line, like mentioning my family, or other identifying-ish details about my life that would make it pretty clear to someone who knows me...and I guess the solution is probably just, if I need it, use a different crisis line, but for some reason I've gotten very attached to that one...that's probably another problem in itself, although to be fair, I've called them for six-ish years and they're the only line I know that isn't a suicide crisis line or a line specifically for mental health issues. But yes, I know the solution is actually very simple, and I should just stop...