In two days it will be the anniversary of when PerpT "exploited" me. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't allow him space in my head. I don't know how to deal with this twenty years later. I feel hatred.

Early on, my subsuquent T to him told me I had to choose- she wouldn't remain my therapist if I continued to see PerpT. I thought about it and told her I would remain her patient but I wanted to keep PerpT as my lover. She hospitalized me.

I remember in the hospital-being in such pain and confusion that I kept a short, encouraging note she had signed and left for me- taped next to my bed. I would cry, go to sleep, wake up and see her note, "Keep on going, Pre. Dr. ****"

I would read the note and say my new T's name over and over because she was my only tiny ray of hope.

No human being should be able to hurt someone like that.

Comments welcome. I guess the question is, how do you get Perps out of your head? How do you deal with the anniversaries?