If she agrees to it, I want to write this stuff down for her:

1. I used to call that crisis line a lot when I was younger, starting when I was thirteen-ish, to talk about the stuff that was going on for me.
2. I still do sometimes.
3. I feel irrationally ashamed about this and thus haven’t ever told anyone about this (no surprise there).
4. Usually I would call about real things.
5. But sometimes I would make up stories (usually on chat, not on the phone).
6. The made up stories are generally one of two types.
7. The first type = talking about things that happened when I was younger as if they were happening right now (this I started doing when I was sixteen-ish, and I found it immensely gratifying).
8. The second type = the one I feel incredibly, incredibly ashamed of.
9. The second type = talking about things that happened to (mother figure) like they happened to me.
10. This is effective in getting a lot of sympathy/attention/care really quickly, because it is definitely “bad enough,” and it also helps me feel closer to (mother figure) when I miss her.
11. But it also makes me feel incredibly guilty for various reasons and it makes me hate myself x1000.
12. Obviously I will need to stop making up stories now (and probably calling altogether).
13. This will probably be a good thing for me.
14. But I don’t know if I can.
15. When I’m feeling miserable and alone, it fills a need.
16. I have to figure out how to fill that need in other ways.
17. But it’s exhausting, and making up stories is gratifying.
18. I know I need to stop.
19. And I know you can make me stop.
20. And part of me is relieved.
21. And part of me is afraid.
22. I just don’t know if I can.

Other minor things:
1. I used to get very paranoid about putting anything online and/or calling a crisis line when I was seeing former T. These days, it ebbs and flows, but I think it’s getting bad again. You can ask me about this if you like.
2. The other thing I probably just that I’ve called there a lot for many years, so it bothers me to think I may have said something before I started seeing you or maybe without knowing it was you, and when I tell it to you in person, you’ll be like, “That sounds familiar…”
3. Also, the crisis line I volunteer with keeps call logs and detailed notes about callers and volunteers debrief with each other after calls, so even if I called and didn’t talk to you, you might still hear it from someone else and realize it was me.
4. So I should stop calling.
5. And this will probably be a very good thing for me.
6. If I can.