All my life I lived with this darkness. Yes I know there are good times but they seemed short lived. I know in the past I was told it always seems like a crisis happens to me...trust me I wish it didnt. I am good at giving advice and helping others see hope, but I am in so much pain and on so much meds, I know I didn't "do anything" to deserve this but it just feels like I must have done something because life should not be this freaking hard. I found the guts to leave my abusive husband and actually started to feel good and bam out of the blue it snuck up on me. Usually I am good at seeing the signs, but it was like I woke up one day and was suck back into hell. I feel like a lost wandering soul, no purpose, no worth, no desire. I know I am not the only one who feels this way and I know "it will get better" but I also know it too will get worse again! I feel like a yo-yo. I am just so tired of clinging on. I hang on because I know it will destroy my sister and my 12 year old goddaughter. when asked about the fear of going to hell or what others will think....I always ask "why is it when an animal is suffering we have enough compassion to end it's suffering and that is ok, yet there is not enough compassion for a human and it is a crime and a "sin" why?" And nobody can give me a real answer. It is usually just looked at with pity, I don't want pity I want real help or peace!