I've been doing quite well for months and months, my mood has been very even (I'm bipolar), anxiety at bay, asymptomatic in terms of eating disorder. In the past few weeks, I've been feeling somewhat down and very, very anxious. I've also been feeling drawn to restrict and have given in a few times.

I'm very honest with my therapist and pdoc and always have been. However, I'm finding that this feeling is coming up right now where I don't want to be quite honest with them because I suddenly want them to be proud of me, to think I'm doing well and am strong and brave and all of that. (I just want to say that this is nothing that they have put on me and all stuff that I have put on myself).

I told my T that I was feeling much better (she knew that I was struggling a bit) when I actually wasn't-and its very unlike me to not be completely truthful with her. I don't like it and I want to go to my appointment tomorrow and be up front, but I'm overcome with not wanting to appear "weak," or "pathetic" or a whole bunch of other things. (Again, my words, COMPLETELY not my Ts, or my pdocs).

Initially when I started getting down and it wasn't due to anything and wasn't clearing up, my T worried that I was entering a mood episode and that my meds needed adjusting (which happens every 6 months or so). She wanted me to get in touch with my pdoc immediately because as she put it "I haven't seen you like this in awhile" and "why suffer unnecessarily?" I insisted on waiting until my appointment because I didn't want to bother my pdoc, or act like this was a bigger deal than it was, and also because I didn't want to admit to my pdoc that I was struggling. My pdoc ended up needing to cancel our scheduled appointment because she was sick, and now I'll have to wait longer to see her and I have to admit, I'm getting a bit freaked.

I so much don't want to be seen as weak, I want my T and pdoc to know that their efforts haven't been in vain, that their work has been appreciated and integrated and I have guilt when my mood slips or when eating disorder stuff creeps in. Besides fearing that i look weak, I'm afraid that it looks like I'm not working hard.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post-maybe support, encouragement, insight? I see my T tomorrow and want to tell her that I'm struggling and that I need her help, I'm just not quite sure how.