I want to push my T away all the time (about every other week ). She either will tell me when she notices or I will tell her if I notice. Then again, I also tell her when I want to lie to her

For me, it's a cycle. I want to be clingy, so I push her away. But then I fear losing her, so I feel clingy. Both aren't healthy. So we talk about it so I can learn to find a balance and what that balance looks like.

It's good that you recognize it. You don't have to act on it. You can work through it.