alright so im 22 years old, im currently attending a community college for a business degree (2-4 years to go). as of right now, i can only think of 2-3 people who would care if i die tomorrow. i grew up in a weird household, both parents worked a lot and were very rarely home. And if they were home, then they probably would be fighting about one thing or another. I became the mediator at the age of 9 give or take a few years, that position earned me a toss across the room. My father was even sent to jail once during one of these peculiar exchanges and to this day they still fight and argue. My siblings are married and have their own family's now and quit frankly just don't have time to provide me with any kind of fellowship or guidance. All of my friends are married to evidently and once they get married they started to only hang out with other married couples. My only friend died last spring in a car accident, owe and lets not forget my wonderful relationship experience. I dated a girl for 6 months, everything was fine. was at her home almost everyday within reason of course, we did everything together. then one day i get a text saying to get lost him the parents with little to no explanation as to why. When i pushed for an answer, they got a restraining order on me. I have a hell of a time justifying my existence right now. i dont know what i should do, i loved that girl. i miss my friends, and i just dont know what i need to do next. Im trying to force myself into my studies but its a bit difficult. Because everyone seems to have that person or people they can rely on. If i try to show any kind of weakness to my parents it would just make me feel even more depressed because now they are gonna be sad and it would feel more like a guilt trip then anything else. On a whole though, i feel like im falling behind everyone and due to various reasons everyone seems to be ahead in one way or another. And i just dont understand why i cant find something like that for myself.