Pacots, thank you. I know I am not "alone" and everyone has their own hell-ish journey they must walk, may be similar and may be completely different but walking through hell hurts regardless. On top of a lifetime battle with severe depression, anxiety, and bpd, I also have a chronic lifetime physical pain. I injured my spine in the air force, discharged and Became a teacher. I was removed from my teaching position because they said I am a high risk for injury and I had 2 physical restrictions. It was a battle for my job, but ultimately I lost. I sunk and fell hard and deep and took what forever to come through that stirm.
I was hospitalized against my wish several times, with no relief. Just last week I finally reached out for help, the psych filling in for my dr. And my therapist (va hospital personnel) "saved me a bed" and 8 1/2 hours later still in er waiting room still had not been seen by triage or psych department. The one who took my vitals descretely told me to go get something to eat and come back the next day because there was a long line and I was still looking at another 4 hours at least of waiting. That would be 2:30 am just until I am triaged. So I went home. I just kept thinking damn I am finally reaching out for help, finally admitting I am on the edge and I NEED help only to be told come back another day. I haven't been sleeping in over 3 weeks now, 2 hours sleep and then up for 5, maybe another 1 hour of sleep and back up. in a matter of 3 months my therapist of almost 4 years who has had the greatest connection and help with me relocated (that was/is a horrible loss), then 2 days after my birthday I asked my husband of 10 years to leave, 2 weeks later my best friend of 20 years and her husband sent me an email saying our friendship is over we are not family we are nothing, I can still talk with my goddaughter (but they have already used her as apawn twice to hurt me and restrict us from talking for a month at a time), then my husband's daughter decided to remove her and her son (my grandson in my heart) from my life. So a lot of loss and stressors, last week was court ordered mediation and my new (non va hospital ) therapist that is just amazing picked me up from home and took me so I wouldn't have to go through it alone. I ran into him for the first time since sept. 3. He saw my face and my panic and laughed. We now have to go before the judge. He took everything from my home and now wants 1/2 equity of my house, savings he thinks I have and just to make this as hard as possible. Then two nights ago my best friends husband called me screaming at me restricted my goddaughter and I from talking for a month, all because she defriended my soon to be ex-husband on facebook and asked him to please stop messaging her, posting pics of her and tagging her. She spent the summer with me and saw the physical, emotional, and mental abuse he did towards me (which I believe is what gave me the courage to kick him out) so now she is on punishment because she doesn't want to be friends withe him, wtf? What kind of messages are they sending her I mean really? They know she is my heart and the best way to inflict pain.
I just feel so lost. With every breath it's like razors shredding me from the inside. The pain is so deep, and I don't know what to say or do anymore.my therapist has me Co tract with daily email checking so she knows what's going on and she knows I'm holding on my a thread. It's like I said to her how can I hope for a better tomorrow when even if it is better it is short lived and overshadowed y the dares of my own demons and hell. For one of the first times, I am actually scared and am begging for help, advice something!!!