I totally relate too and was practically telling my pdoc about this this arvo. He was encouraging me that the mixed state will pass I i will be fairly 'normal' again. I challenged him by saying that as I rapid cycle I KNOW that I wil be in this hell again. He kindly didn't dismiss me and agreed but said I would get better at managing my illness and find more peace. He also apologised about not being able to help me more. His honesty. Really encouraged me. It reminded me that I am not alone for the ride. Maybe give yourself a rest like Christina said. Please don't completely give up as you are worth fighting for