JJBX -

I am pretty sure that her family does know. I do not like this part of her family dynamic.

Unfortunately for me I am someone who values sex as something important and special. Her family is not. They view sex as a recreational occurrence. She has told me on numerous occasions that since this happened before she knew who I was I should not have any issue with it. I know for a fact that her Uncle found out about this and reprimanded the step cousin. When my wife found out she was so upset and wanted to call him and tell him that she did not "rat him out". This is another problem I have but she is an adult and I am not her master/keeper. I do not really have an issue with the fact that she had sex before me but I am never going to be a huge fan of the fact that she did.

My biggest points of confusion are as follows:

Why does this person deserve so much consideration and my boundary for my own emotional well being is disregarded and "wrong".

Why is sex not a big deal?

This guy is a dirt bag. Why do I need to have contact with him? I do not want to be involved with any of that side of the family in all reality but on the rare occasions that I do I do not want to treat this guy like my family.

Why would I not have a problem seeing her hug him and tell him that she loves him?

How does me having a problem with this guy diminish or belittle what me and my wife have? (she has said this, I think the opposite)