my T says i have trust issues, and he says it's because it has been broken so bad so many times. i don't even know what i would define trust as now. i mean, there is trust that is the same as knowing something bland, like that he will show up... there's trust that he won't start reading the funny pages to amuse himself while i talk... but that isn't trust really.. that's a sort of expectation of certain types of norms.

what is trust between two people? what does it mean to trust my T? How will i know when or if i do? what happens?

am i supposed to come to believe he cares? is that trust? is it knowing he won't run screaming?..cuz i know enough to know he's paid well enough to just sit there. that doesn't seem like trust.

and that caring part... i mean, it's not real caring.. it's caring like i care about starving kids somewhere... or caring that an aquaintance has cancer. It doesn't involve deep connected feeling... IMO it can't. There is a wall that supposedly has to be there. If i cared, really cared about someone then my life would be impacted by them in many significant ways... pretty regularly. They would be a part of my world. i am not, nor will ever be, a part of his world. i am a part of his job. i pay him to listen and do what he can to help me. The word "care" is the wrong one.. or the definition is limited.

so what does it all add up to?

is it trust if i tell him all my secrets? i don't have any. He says i don't trust him but i tell him anything he wants to know. Maybe he thinks i have hidden things? Maybe he thinks i was really a CSA kid and won't say? Cuz i'm not.

what the hell does trust mean?