The fact the feelings hit you out of nowhere, with no evidence to back them up except the feelings themselves would seem to indicate the feelings, thoughts and beliefs about this are coming from your own insecurities, rather than anything about her actions toward you.

In the last few months, many Ts took extended breaks. I've noticed in the forum since around Thanksgiving (the end of Nov in the USA) a goodly number of posters felt rejected, betrayed, enraged, despairing, anxious, abandoned, longing for, done with, eff you, I need you, I know you don't like me, you're sick of me, go away, please come back ... all that kind of stuff with some of it cycling in the same poster, changing as the days passed ... because the Ts had taken some extended breaks.

It's a symptoms of .. I don't know exactly. But it seems to happen to people with strong attachment issues, maybe it's a borderline trait (and I'm sorry, I don't know if that applies to you at all.)

If you read the thread about people needing to tell their T something but not knowing how -- man oh man oh man! You will see that your feelings were shared by others while their Ts were gone for several weeks.

For some people the connection gets broken without regular reassurance and contact. Some posters say they can't even remember what their T looks like. To me, that's a symptom worth talking about in therapy.

In others -- this is my opinion and I could be wrong -- it's possible that the feelings are causes by projection. If I'm angry at my T, I might think my T's angry at me although there's no evidence of that. That's classic projection -- unconsciously attributing my own emotions to another person while not recognizing it's what I'm feeling about them.

If my T's away on holiday or family leave or for some other reason for a long time, I might begin to feel sick and tired of them being gone. If I know they're legitimately away and that I'd be a selfish schmuck for resenting them taking care of their own needs, well ... I might turn that around and start suddenly feeling that they're sick and tired of me and all my neediness. It just might feel too embarrassing or painful to admit I have selfish, schmuckish feeling (but we all do at times!)

That's classic projection. An unconscious defense mechanism. As bad as the projected emotions feel to us, it might feel worse to consciously admit our true feelings.

All this is worth working out in therapy. I used to project a lot of my negative emotions onto others because if I was open about any unpleasant feelings as a child, I'd be severely punished in painful ways. So I started projecting it outward onto others. It got the emotions out and even if it felt terrible, it didn't feel as terrible as negative emotion + external punishment.

Therapy works wonders on that stuff if we're willing to face the embarrassment of talking about it with T -- saying something like I felt like you were sick of me and I wanted to throw up, but I think I was feeling sick of you and what you're doing. Yikes.

T took it in stride. It was nowhere near as hard as I believed it would be to deal with. I wish you the best and hope your T is back soon.