Sigh...My T wants me to contact her if I start having sui thoughts. The last time I had those thoughts, I waited three days before saying anything to T and she was very disappointed that I didn't contact her sooner. My T has agreed to be there for me and work through things with me, but I have to hold up my end of the bargain, which is to contact her. Last time I started having those thoughts, my anxiety and depression were both sky high. I was in an almost constant state of panic and dissociation.

Now, this time, I've started having those thoughts again, but emotionally, I'm very calm. I don't feel frantic or anxious or dissociated. I know I'm not going to act on the thoughts, but they are becoming rather intrusive. I don't want T to be disappointed in me or say that I'm not holding up my end of our bargain. I just really don't know whether it's appropriate to contact her now or not.

My T says that I tend to err on the side of not contacting her when I should. I just don't know. I've already waited 24 hours since I started feeling this way, but if I can distract myself, then I'm fine and I stop thinking about it. If my T really wanted me to contact her every time I have sui thoughts, I'd be calling her daily. So, I think she wants me to contact her when the urges or thoughts are becoming strong and intrusive. I know I should have this conversation with my T, but we've talked about it before, and I'm embarrassed to say that I just can't seem to relate what we've talked about to how I feel. I almost feel like I need her to tell me - when you have felt this way for more than x number of hours, contact me.

I dunno, I guess I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head while I try to decide what to do.