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angelicgoldfish05 · Feb 02, 2015, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Glad you liked the book. I'm still reading it, slowly

. I don't think my childhood was full of physical abuse. There were certainly moments of that, but by in large all the damage was emotional/psychological. It's hard to explain, but I think we all want to feel connected to parents, and when your parent is bat **** crazy that just never happens properly.

The emotional/psychological damage is hard to pinpoint, hard to explain. My mom was pretty crazy also, I think maybe borderline, and I think my dad a little on the narcissism end. Like your mom, my mom did not take medications until it reached a point where she said she was either going to kill herself or kill someone else. She never did try to kill herself (I got to carry that torch and try 2x), but she did regularly say she was going to kill me. Still does. I know she is not serious, but maybe somewhere in my mind connects that to something and it has done something to me, I don't know. She got on meds after I left the house, so it didn't really effect me except that she is more pleasant to be around these days (still no boundaries, and it's all about her). It is a good thing, I don't think I could live with her if she were not on meds. And I have to live at home right now for the first time in 12 years (which sucks) because I can't financially make it on my own right now.

As for the book - I too am reading it slowly! I bounce around from book to book and have about 5 started that I haven't finished

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I wondered about this. I decided he didn't mean anything by it. I'd never mentioned that I had read about C-PTSD or that it was something I thought about. Maybe my admission surprised him. The next week he made a comment making it clear he thought I was traumatized. I don't know what "a little traumatized" would even mean. Like I suppose comparing me to that girl who was found to be tied up in her parents basement and never met people for 12 years I would be a little traumatized. Or comparing me to a holocaust victim, a little traumatized?

This makes sense to me. In comparison, there are varying degrees of trauma, like varying degrees of burns. So maybe yours was a 2nd degree compared to a 3rd degree holocaust victim or something. Still hurts and requires healing attention for it to get better! And still just as recognizable to others as a burn!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

My old therapist didn't say a lot but when she did I thought she catastrophized too much. I've wondered how it would be if he continued to tell me I was severely traumatized. How would I process and react to that? Early on in my life I certainly had a lot more of the C-PTSD symptoms, but the further and further away from my parents I've gotten, I've mourned my childhood in little bits and now I think I'm left with a smaller but still painful wound. The strange thing is I'm not sure I need his validation. I think validation is really hard to get, it might even take finding someone with a similar circumstance to be able to understand the nuance of pain of having narcissistic parents. My old therapist certainly validated me...

I can't wait to get further away from my parents. I think that is where the real healing work can begin. Right now, I am still gaining a repoire with my therapist and working on trusting her. Maybe by the time I am able to move out, I will be ready to do some deeper work. As for the wound, I don't think it ever goes away but maybe we learn what it has meant for us and our lives, and how to manage it a little better. I know my relationships have all been affected by my childhood. I could write a lot about that! To say I'm not married and was afraid of having kids because I didn't want to do the same thing my parents did to me to them, explains a little more about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I think I want something entirely different from this one. I think I want him to literally make it all better by being what no one else ever was, i.e. someone who truly loves me that I can rely on. Isn't that really sad when you think about the fact he cant and he wont!

Oh how I wanted this from my ex-t *so much*. I begged, pleaded, drove myself and him crazy. I knew he could do this for me and be this for me. He just chose not to. And it Broke. My. Heart.

Gosh I hope we both find this someday. I hope we all find this someday.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies Petri5ed.