We had a good session...T was very supportive and not upset at me about the helpline thing, and she said she really appreciated that I trusted her enough to share it all with her, and she didn't even mind that I sent it in an email...and she read it before our session, even though I told her she could read it during our session and just start our session later because I didn't want to give her something to do on her own time when I wasn't paying her for it, but she said she didn't mind...and the main thing she said about it was just that she could see how much pain I was in and she really wanted to empathize with that. And she told me that she wanted me to have that helpline as a support if I need it, and she told me what times she would be working there and that she would have no way of knowing if I called at any other times because they don't keep call logs or anything, and she really wants me to call if I need support because the counsellors there are great.

About making up stories...we talked about why I do it, but mostly she was just empathizing with me and saying she understood it, she felt how much pain I was in, and it's a way I learned to get a need met. She didn't tell me I had to stop...I have to though, and I said that to her, but I also don't know if I can, and she said just to try to be gentle with myself, but it just feels really wrong now...and also now I worry I might at some point call the helpline at a time when she's working just to hear the sound of her voice...ugh...

And other than all of that, it was not a vulnerable session. I was very composed and I managed to "spin" the situation in a way that made me more comfortable and avoid talking about the things that made me less comfortable. And I was very frustrated with myself, because I wanted to be vulnerable with her, but if anything, after sharing these super vulnerable things via email, our session was less vulnerable. Honestly, I kept feeling like, "Aww, she's trying so hard to help me, that's sweet," like the fondness you would feel for a toddler who is trying to help you "cook" or something like that. And I think that is just a defense mechanism against letting her really, truly care about me, and I've told her this, and she's willing to stick it out with me, but it's so frustrating that I am trying so hard to be vulnerable with her and somehow I just can't.

I am trying to think of a vulnerable question she should ask me at the beginning of our next session...she said it's okay for me to email her questions to start off the session with, so maybe if I emailed her something like, "Ask me about (traumatic incident that happened when I was little)" or something like that, maybe that would help...I think what I really want is to talk about attachment stuff, i.e. my growing and frightening attachment to her, but that's another thing I just can't say out loud...I have literally spent weeks trying to verbalize it and I just can't...I just don't know how to be vulnerable with her. And I am trying so hard!