Hi borncatastrophe, I'm sorry that people around you don't seem to understand, and some of that frustration they have may come from their lack of understanding too
I know it can be sometimes hard to explain to people sometimes though and especially if they're frustrated with you at the time, or wanting "explanations" from you........but for those closest to you do you think you could write down the things you've been feeling,the things you've been going through, some possible reasons for some of the things you've done that might have hurt them.........sometimes it's easier to "explain" when you're not "face-to-face"............explain how you don't want to hurt them and just need their help with that and with what's going on for you.........and have a think about/write down some of the ways they can help you.
I'd say that if at least it clearly shows them that you aren't ****ing up at the time because you just don't care that's got to help.
But you know, I don't even think I'd use the term ****ed up in your situation......it sounds really harsh, and "beating yourself up" when you don't need to certainly isn't going to help..........it is much more about the way you're feeling/problems you're having, standing in the way of you being able to do what might be the "right" thing, isn't it??
And with that you probably need to be a bit more compassionate towards yourself, right??!!
Those feelings/those problems which lead to.........don't make you a "bad" person, OK??!!
It's all about you need some real help and support with what you're going through, yes??
So hopefully you can help the people close to you understand, and offer you support/help.........but if some of them can't try not to worry about it.........some people can't, but there will be others who can. So if you have some of them in your life try to keep those people closest to you. And there'll definately be people not as close to you who can understand/offer you support.........us on here for starters!!!
Alison