I've been in psychodynamic relational therapy for 5 years with a trauma specialist. I am a 40 year old survivor of sexual abuse by male relatives from toddler to teen, had an alcoholic father, physically and verbally abusive mother who rejected and insulted me, and who loved my brother to bits, even though he was a drug addict who stole from us and would physically torture me.

I was often sent away as a child, from one family to another, and felt forgotten by my family. It could be months before my mother would ring to ask of me or talk to me. I dissociate, self harm, am suicidal, have panic attacks, and am very hyper vigilant. I finally went to therapy and it took years to feel safe and trust my therapist enough to share a little of my pain. Last month she announced she's pregnant and leaving in April for 4 months of maternity leave. I am devastated.

My feelings of abandonment are sky high, I feel especially worthless, like an afterthought. I am furious with her, my cutting had me twice in the ED for sutures, I think of suicide often, and I've lost the sense of safety and security I had. I feel so stupid for trusting that she'd be with me through my healing! I can recall 3 times where she assured me, "I'm not going anywhere. I will sit here with you through this."

I regret ever starting this. I'm worse off now because too many things had surfaced. My internal house was cluttered with packed boxes when I started, but now they are torn open with the contents scattered everywhere. Do I quit and try to re-pack everything? Her pregnancy & upcoming leave have brought to the surface huge issues I'm not prepared or equipped to deal with. They might have come up in due course, as more layers were uncovered, but this was a brutal tearing open of my issues. It's happening according to her timeline, not mine. And it's literally killing me. I don't feel safe with her, I certainly don't feel cared for, so I have all these horrific feelings and no way to work through them. What can I do? I fear for my life already, but especially during her long maternity leave.