I really want time to move faster and morning comes so I can finally talk to her about all of this. I'm pissed that we got pummeled with snow so I can't see her in person and get a hug so the last time I saw her was a disaster.

I know part of this is reaction that my maternal transference isn't always positive. I actually felt like I disassociated a little and I'm embarrassed to say that because I love LCM so much. I feel like I might have had some sort of emotional flashback.

I recognized her immediately but everything got fuzzy and I doubted that it was her. I felt embarrassed that I didn't look great. I was worried she'd call me out on it. I was weirded out by him being there. Just this guy I had seen once before but has never talked to me. I was so confused and dumbfounded by seeing her there, she had to ask me to give him a program.

The emotion I got from the whole experience was almost exactly identical from when my mom made my dad go to the ER when I was first admitted. I got shaky and sweaty and scared and I sent him away. I felt super violated by him just showing up into my world uninvited and it deeply scared me that he could show up again. Having her show up with him randomly with my maternal transference as intense as it is, I felt like my mother showed up at my work with my father. My father does in real life ignore me and not talk to me and my mom runs the show. Making the connection between LCM and this elusive man that didn't acknowledge me freaked me out even worse.

I know that he didn't have time to say anything and that he couldn't have known who I was. I know it would have been inappropriate for him even if he did know who I was to say anything when she did not introduce us. However in the moment, I couldn't handle it and I panicked.

I also frequently fantasize about her coming to work and seeing me do really well. I couldn't find the right color socks that morning and when she approached me, I was so shocked that I needed her to remind me what to do. I'm really good at my job. That's why I was working front and center. I have the whole seating chart memorized, I'm good at handling unruly patrons and keeping the crowd quiet and happy. I'm extremely good in emergency situations and even completely handled all of the necessary protocol to get a man who was going into some kind of diabetic shock to the hospital without relying on my supervisors to remember what to do. I just did it. Then she comes and sees me at work and I just stare at her like I'm lost. I didn't want her to see me like that. Why can't she see me handling a crowd of 250 people with little trouble instead?