I have been, in the past, through what I would call ED h*ll. I do not want to go back there. However. I am having a hard time adjusting and "settling in" to my current weight. I won't say numbers cause we are not supposed to. I just know that it is too much for me.

Everytime I read posts now, instead of them triggering ED behavior, they do the opposite and I feel I must get something to eat. It's like something in my brain or body gets this fear that I'm going to try and starve it again (even though I don't think I could even if I tried, I just don't have that kind of willpower and I'm not under any kind of stress that would require it as a coping mechanism... Plus I'm in therapy and on meds now...)

Anyways, has this ever happened to anyone else. I've been so focused on how I could try and *not eat* and how I should *lose weight* that it is triggering me to do the opposite and it's almost a lost battle. Maybe I am posting this in the wrong forum place. Idk. But I do know I obsess about food. I've stopped counting calories and stopped weighing in every day. The scale and numbers know longer run my life. But there is a price to pay for that: now I am fat.

If I can't go back... What can I do instead? How can I cope with these feelings of being out of control??? it is really scaring me. Am I going to just give in and be fat forever?

At one point my dad said I was losing too much weight. He said I was too thin in not so many words. At one point in my life, my mom called me fat. I was having something to eat. She commented on the amount. I said I was a growing girl (was in my teens), she said - yeah but which way!!?

My mom is overweight. My aunt is in the hospital for obesity. I fear going down that path. I figured if I aimed for anorexia, I *might* keep a normal weight and not weigh too much, not get too fat.

It worked for awhile. People noticed. I got scared and who knows why I stopped or what stopped me.

Is is wrong to wish, somehow, for the disorder to just take over again. Life was so simple and uncomplicated with it. However, bulimia was h*ll. Pure h*ll. I hated it but there was such a feeling of relief after throwing everything back up. I can't explain it but I don't know if I have found any release like that besides cutting. I don't miss that. I miss being skinny. I miss the attention from guys and feeling more worthy of their attention or like anything was possible. I miss the control. I don't know how I can get it back. Is it wrong to ask advice for how to just get back to it? If not, someone please help me. I don't want to be fat forever.