I did tell T that I've no idea what I feel or should feel. She said I always show ambivalence towards anything that should be an emotional response, that and I crack jokes. It's not something I really control it just happens. In a way I think I fear T will be like well ten since u have no emotional response to ur past there's nothing more to do here and she'd terminate me. I guess that's not so bad. If I had to is just find a new T, and start the cycle all over again. It'd take me probably another 3yrs to open up.

My wife and I talked about it last night. She's the same way. She says this is what T is to help me with, she should help me feel the emotions that r there just I automatically without feeling push all feelings away. Thy get buried never to be heard from again. T says I do feel though cuz I'm really protective of my 3yr old niece and 1yr old niece. I've been there since they were born. I've done diapers and feelings and naps and baths and even their comfort when they cry or are hurt or upset. Y would I not be there for them? They r te purer of innocence and I'm most definitely not innocent. Maybe it's my penance?