So I talked to her and I told her what happened and how I feel about it. She said she was wrong to not tell me she was coming to my school. She said she was sad that I hurt and she understands why I felt the way I did. She said she wasn't sure she would be able to come until that morning and she was excited to potentially run into me, but she was wrong to not really take my feelings into consideration. She said she really didn't think we would run into each other, but if we did it would have been a pleasant surprise since I'm always so excited to see her in session. She said she understands how that could have been overwhelming and she apologized for not considering how randomly invasive I could have perceived that.

I told her about my feelings about her and the pdoc. I think I kinda struck a nerve with her because she talked an awful lot about the nature of therapy and told me about a situation she went through that completely matched what I was worried could have happened. She told me that he was still a great pdoc and sung his praises again to kind of reaffirm that she wasn't wrong to refer me. I'm not sure if she isn't her boyfriend. I know that she certainly does like him a lot. She's called him cute to me before. But whatever is going on there I don't really care at this point. She seemed to be really self conscious of me calling her integrity into question. I do believe that she wouldn't use me for financial gain. I think she really cares about not doing that to her clients and that's kinda what threw her. She said she wants me to think of her as someone who somewhat has her life together and surrounds herself with good people and strong relationships so that I feel like I can look up to her and trust her. I said I do trust her and think the world of her. I said I think she's clumsy and the only thing she really did wrong in this situation was be clumsy with me. She laughed and said everyone knows she's clumsy and that it wasn't a good excuse to hurting me.

She decided to run over with me because she did talk a lot plus she is leaving for a couple of weeks. I told her about my behavior with random men. I know it upset her. I could tell in her voice that it hurt to think I was doing that. She told me she understands why I'd do that. She thinks that for some people, it's a good thing. But for me and how sensitive I am, I would do "monstrous harm" to myself if I did just randomly sleep with someone. I think I agree. She really wants me to wait and talk to her when she comes home before doing anything beyond anonymous flirting. I said I will. I'm too scared anyway.

I really don't want her to leave.