It sounds like both of you struggle to communicate effectively with each other and that you have both probably triggered attachment problems in each other. The person I couldn't forget for years was also a person who 'brought the worst out in me', and I think that - like in this situation - it was because our attachment styles were similar. Both of us were extremely conflict averse so there were never any arguments, but that also meant neither of us told each other when we were angry, preferring instead to suddenly let out that anger a year or more afterwards once we'd split up (leaving the other completely confused as to what the other person was referring to...)

But despite the obvious drawbacks of the above situation I still felt like I had made incredible mistakes and had lost something really important - really I just wanted to resolve traumas that happened in my childhood and I was playing them out in the relationship - and in the breakup - wanting to prove that I was unemotional, competent, didn't have needs etc. because I believed that was the only way to be acceptable to others. Meanwhile, he probably had exactly the same beliefs, because even when I called him out of the blue to split up with him (woke up with a sudden and urgent urge to dump him...) then realised what I was doing, cried, and apologised, he refused to talk about it or be angry with me. This created anxiety for me because I felt I deserved punishment for being so inconsiderate. He will have been anxious that being angry would have pushed me away. See how the two irrational set of beliefs are dovetailing with each other?

It sounds like "matt" believes that his attachments should prioritise him above all others. I've had a boyfriend like that and it's incredibly difficult and stressful. I'm not surprised you felt so anxious.

Believe me that your mind is trying to resolve this in the only way it knows how and perhaps you, like me, cling to scraps of love and forgive all too easily. When this is over, you will look back and realise that the one mistake you actually made was not to leave earlier.

There is someone out there for you that will bring out the best in you and you will bring out the best in them and you will look back and see this relationship for what it was - an incredibly stressful experience that was not fair on you.

I agree with the above poster that some people confuse loneliness for love, but I would add that some people confuse longing for love and they are slightly different. A person who confuses longing may not be the type that feels lonely when they're not in a relationship - they are more likely to feel lonely when actually in a relationship because they simultaneously see a hope for connection and the fact they're not getting it. That longing creates intense emotion that can be confused for love. (Although, yes, there are also those who can't be alone and are in relationships all the time, but I think it's a different set of problems because the two don't always go together).