Why it took me this long? For many years I hadn't realized I was depressed enough to seek medical help. Now that I did, I am currently seeing a therapist that has no respect for me and shames me, so I am seeking another therapist but I have no trust in psychotherapy anymore sad to say. My parents shame me to no end, blaming me for their issues, and my dad (divorced my mom) recently cut most contact from me (we've used to see eachother every week). My mom, who I love very much, and was once a very loving person, is getting less and less affectionate and more and more hostile, blaming ME for her issues, and every now and then she would really explode (raise her voice to the highest possible) over almost nothing and tells me all kinds of cruel words, and wonders why I am so sensitive. You can't be sensitive if you're around her receiving her anger, but I am and it only adds more straw on the camel's back.

I also have absolutely no friends, and the family members that once loved me no longer wants a thing to do with me. The last one that loved me reconsidered that today when she was spending three nights at my home. What caused that was my loss of control over myself and threw myself into a verbal tantrum that is worse than anything she has heard. No longer she will ever want to see the ugly demonic monstrous beast in a human's body that I am. My mom got angry with me for that, too. I keep making problems, and I keep getting worse as the days go by. My future looks more and more bleak as the days go by. As of today, I am prescribed on medication beginning with a small dosage, so if that works, then it will allow me to cope with a bleak, hopeless life of hostility and very little love, if any.

So here I am, a complete worthless wreck with so much mess that I have no idea how to clean up. I have no hope, just anger, frustration, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, darkness, and reliance on artificial brain chemicals that control my moods in this mental prison.

And I've abandoned my faith in god, as well as belief in him.