well i dont know how many people have bipolar on this thread, but i would guess that most of them can identify with what you have expressed here......i am currently in a mixed cycle, thank god not to this extreme, but i have been stable for years now. it takes a good doctor (so keep looking) and really being able to advocate for yourself. it took me years to find the right med mix. i wouldnt tolerate side effects i didnt like and i wanted excellent results. i wouldnt accept close enough. but we finally found the right mix. my doctors hated me but i didnt care. hang in there. it is possible to get better.