Had neuro appointment a couple of days ago. They cancelled me 40 mins beforehand, then called me back 10 mins later to say come in anyway and we'll see if someone else can see you.

So i was frazzled already, and had to wait 45 mins to see someone who never even told me his name. But i still bravely gave my little speech (previously practiced with care manager) about having PTSD and needing to be warned and informed before any touch takes place. The consultant said 'yes', and then proceeded to do the exact opposite. I became quite obviously distressed, but he continued on moving me this way and that, even when i started shaking.

And then he told me there is nothing that can be done about my discs. Nothing. If it was the same disc each time, they'd do surgery, but it's not so they can't. There is no prevention, it will happen again, and may even happen more frequently as i age. And the nerve is obviously causing pain and restrictions in movement, but nerve damage can take six months to repair so go away and continue with physio and then come back in a few months and if there's still pain, they'll have a closer look.

It was dreadful and i didn't even come away with any kind of solution or even any information beyond what i already knew. Managed to hold it together until i got home and then broke down.

Everything seems so big and hard and frightening, and i feel that i am very small and afraid. Seems like i'm stuck in an emotional flashback so i keep working on grounding and trying to hold everything together, but i'm worn down and worn out.

Just so over it all.