((angelicgoldfish05)),

I don't know your whole story, but what I can say is that your thinking you must self punish because some person is no longer a part of your life is wrong. But, it's not your fault that you think this way. When a child is not nurtured, or exposed to an adult they can trust that gives them permission to feel safe, be frightened, be angry, and even ask why over and over, the child doesn't learn how to inhabit their own body very well. A child is supposed to slowly learn what emotions mean and have the permission to not only feel emotions, but to also be ok with receiving a comforting physical experience that presents oxytocin so that child slowly understands emotions as well as what comfort means too. It's just how we are designed to be as human beings, it's all apart of slowly progressively really inhabiting our own bodies connecting ourselves psychologically to physiologically. When that doesn't take place a child can get very confused and that can present the conditions that challenge "you".

You "can" slowly learn the right way to inhabit your own body. One learns how to do this one day at a time, and they learn this also by having a good therapist that is capable of helping them understand "why" they often disconnect with their body with an eating disorder. Also why they connect with their body through self harm too.

A lot people who did not get their needs met tend to learn how to get it in other ways, and they don't really even understand "why" they do these things but just that whatever it is "seems" to help somehow.

One of the things you need to listen to is your own "self talk". That is what you have learned to say to yourself that others taught you to say that is "wrong" and not your fault either. You need to learn how to correct that, to learn to become a better person, better nurturer in spite of the individuals that did not do that right for you. You deserve the utmost respect, and that begins when you start to learn how to "respect self".

I believe you, I believe you were hurt and went without in many ways, and I believe you struggle too. But, you do not deserve to "self blame" for these unmet needs. You actually are smart enough, even though you may not believe that to be so. You "can" slowly "learn" how to gradually inhabit your body and you "can" become a person who can eventually help others learn how to do this too.

The only way to achieve this is "one day at a time" and giving to self one day at a time and in time you will actually "learn" how to better inhabit your own body. As human beings we all learn by "doing", and it always takes time.

Listen to self talk, develop a part of yourself that is more understanding and willing to practice better self care, a part of yourself that grows stronger each day and is there for self to listen and say, "no, that is not being kind to self and I will choose to be patient and loving with self instead".

((Caring Hugs))
OE