Thank you for listening and sending virtual hugs and supportive words, it really does help.

So yesterday, after listening to me talk a little about the consultant ignoring me, a work colleague agreed that it was awful and then HUGGED me. This is someone who knows i don't like to be touched, and she'd just finished listening to me talking about someone stomping on my boundaries around touch, and she still hugs me!!

I held it together at work, came home and cried until my son got home, switched into Mum-mode until he went to bed, and then just lost the plot. Ended up calling the mental health contact centre (a step down from crisis) and being talked down by a lovely lady who said she'd be going out of her mind having to deal with everything i am at the moment.

Been in touch with both my care manager and my T - and they're in touch with each other at the moment, too. See T this afternoon. He sent me a text saying we'll go easy today. I really want to see him and be able to offload some of this heavy weight of pain and grief and fear and whatever else, but i'm also anxious about it as i struggle to experience him as kind and gentle when i'm so triggered and fragile.

And then it's a three-day weekend here, and my son will be away, and all my support people will be unavailable, too. I guess at least i can call the contact centre and/or crisis. And respite has been flagged in my notes as an option if i feel i need it. But that doesn't feel safe.

Nowhere feels safe at the moment. People don't listen to me and they touch me and they scare me and it leaves me feeling unsafe in my body and in the world. While they just carry on going about their day.

And the pain is doing my head in.