Jane, I have been thinking about you all day and this post. I am sorry because this is not a good time for you to experience this challenge. You "have" come far in your ability to trust with this therapist, it was not easy for you either. I find myself upset for you too, you try so hard, and you always have.

That being said, I have seen you gaining though too Jane. Your negative self talk has improved a lot. This post was good because you are allowing yourself to feel and talk about it. The only thing you still need work on (I do this too) is the "sorry". I am challenged that way when I vent too, I always want to say "sorry" after I let it out, even if I let it out aloud by myself.

You are right, it's not "ok" that you are dealing with this challenge either. And "yes" when this happens in some way, it does bring memories about all the other times you needed and was let down, I have had this happen too.

What really needs to happen for you though Jane is to be able to get to the point where you can get to the other side of the challenging emotions of being let down, and see "why" others let you down, and it was not anything "you" did wrong.

I think that you are actually a very brave woman Jane. Ok, you did run, you did, but you always ran towards improving yourself. And, you also ran towards the very thing that hurt you because you know it hurts and you want to do something about it.

You have really needed an adult to help you trust "adults", because you never had that.
You were just getting to that point with this therapist and you are absolutely right, it just is not the right time for that to stop. But, he is not running away from "you" with this situation, it is not the same as the other times, this adult professional had the ability to help you, while the others that let you down did not. It's not your mother, sister, ex husband, none of which had the true capacity to help you when you not only needed it but deserved it.

Jane a lot of people keep themselves at a distance from others, both your mother and sister do that. The reason they do that is because they are "afraid" just like you are. A lot of people don't really know they are "afraid". They just "avoid" and they tend to replace it with something they can manage instead. When you talked about your mother and her needing you to have dishes like hers instead of what you had? That was her being "afraid". People who focus on those kinds of "things" are fearful, they put the "thing" between them and whomever they are keeping at arms length.

I think that what will help you a great deal is not to just revist your hurts or those who let you down so much as to learn the "whys" that these people had that hurt you and made you feel so badly about yourself. Some people with challenges and fears have a very hard time nurturing and comforting others. Children that have a parent or parents like this are made to think that they should not struggle with emotions, and they begin to think badly of themselves when they are challenged with emotions.

When these people reach out for therapy they have a very hard time with finally sharing their hurts. They feel they will be judged badly, they are somehow wrong, a failure or secretly a bad person. They believe this because they have been somehow treated this way when they have struggled in their past. Often they are in many ways told to "ignore" their emotions, even by society sadly.

You know, I have met some very nice people in this forum Jane, and everyone of these individuals struggles because of what I have just discribed, some worse than others. I have not met one person that has not deserved to have an adult listen, comfort them, help them not talk badly to themselves, and finally FEEL and grieve and grow and heal.

If a human child is frightened or has a challenging emotion what does that child do?
That child is supposed to run to mommy and talk and ask why and be comforted and have it explained to them right? Well, if that is not there, how is the child going to learn what to do with hurts and emotions? This is where negative self talk begins and slowly being "afraid of emotions" and slowly beginning to find some kind of repacement method.

So you did connect with a person who understood this challenge and learned "how" Jane. It's not good that he is leaving, no, but you know more now and while I am angry with you for you, I do believe that you are smart enough to slowly apply what you have learned with someone else that is trained to "know how" too. And while you work through all this, you will also be learning "how" too. So, you will be developing new skills so that you don't repeat the very thing that you deserved and failed to get. Also, what will begin to take place is that when you are around these people, instead of stressing and getting triggered, you will know why they are that way and you may even begin to feel sorry for them too.

I would like you to vent like you did above and see you not end it with "sorry". That is hard, I still get that urge myself, but I don't let myself write it if I can help it. But aside from that, I see so much improvement and that tells me you have been learning and trying and gaining.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE