I have never posted to a site like this before and I am sorta nervous but here I go fully open and honest..

I find myself not able to be strong anymore.. to hold my head high. Fearless of life but now I feel like a small child up against the wall, sucking my thumb.

Being raped when I was 13 years old.. my first time "having sex".. by two 19 year old men at a party that drugged me was the first issue.. but I thought I was strong enough to move past the emotional damage that I was robbed of innocence because its been 10 years.

The second issue is that I have had 21 friends pass away from either suicide, car or moto accident, cancer, or drug overdose in the last 9 years of my life.. I often wonder when my time is up? Will it be painful? Would anyone care? Will I potentially be the one that ends my own life so I have some type of control? Or will I go out only to never come back to my safe apartment?

The fear overwhelms me all day long.. I have no friends because I fully have lost interest with people or I feel like to new people, they see this weird person that they should shun leave me out of the group no matter how hard I try to be friends.

I used to have tons of friends, active and always out and about.. I don't know what happened...

I contemplate suicide all the time but then i think of all the funerals I go to..
all the sad people and the hurt that comes for years.. the minister saying "if only they really knew how many people cared for them" and I think of my friends that ended their life...

Were they feeling like I do? Lost and screaming on the inside? What were they thinking right before they did it? What issue brought them to the point that they couldn't tell themselves anymore "just one more day"?

Will I one day forget that and make a bad decision to end my life?

I don't know what to do to feel truly happy anymore..

PLEASE HELP ME AND THANK YOU FOR READING AND HEARING ME OUT!