i am sorry that you are struggling with these feelings. i completely understand your fears. i had a fear of being locked up all my life and then i said the wrong thing to a fresh doc and off i went. there are levels of wanting to hurt yourself and die though and i am going to be candid in talking to you about those. my phd also evaluated and locked people up as a side job. he knew my fears. i talked freely to him about my suicidal thoughts, my plans, my dream to be dead and he never once locked me up....but he was friends with my boss..it wouldnt go over well......but he sat me down and had a frank discussion with me one day about his thoughts and how he went against his gut a number of times and didnt hospitalize me when he thought i needed it. he thought i needed it. since i really trusted him i went. i have had a couple therapists since and always ask their "lock up" policy, and discuss how freely i can talk.

from your post i dont know how worried to be about you. i know how i talked and how much i scared others, but i also knew that i could keep myself safe when it came down to it. when you say "hanging on your fingernails to not hurt yourself" are we discussing self harm or enacting a suicide plan? most therapists dont hospitalize over self harm unless the client is ACTIVELY suicidal. so if you talk about self harm, dont talk about suicide. typically you can talk about suicidal thoughts, cause everybody has them at one time or another, it only becaomes worrisome if you have a plan that is actually feasible. but generally i have found, as long as i can assure my safety, then it is safe to talk about my death. i made the mistake of telling my doctor how i planned on doing it once, and he wouldnt prescribe my meds until i brought all my meds in and then he only prescribed a week at a time.

the thing is, i know i can keep myself safe. i have been suicidal my whole life. i have made attempts. i have learned that when i start scaring myself, that it is serious. that is why i went into the hospital. because i knew i couldnt keep myself safe anymore. i hope that if you cant keep yourself safe that you reach out for help, if you go into the hospital you can check out after the crisis is over. if you get committed it is no longer your choice when you are released to freedom.

it sounds like you have a lot of stressors. imagine a balance scale. the image in my signature. it is why i have it there. to remind me. we strive for balance in our lives. but when we have all these negative stressors piling up on one side of the scale we get out of balance if we dont have coping resources on the other side to balance it out. that can lead to anxiety and depression and if stressful enough, wanting to die. so what you have to do is get some resources for the other side to balance life back out again. my family was a source of my ptsd so i disowned them. one stressor gone. i got into therapy, coping resource. i got on antidepressants and antianxiety meds, more coping resources. i learned relaxation skills and mindfulness, more coping resources. i got my degree and earned more money....etc..........but now i have more resources than i need for when things pop up in my life that throw me off balance.

things can change. they really can. i never thought i would see the light of day again, but i did. hang in there. there is hope.