Quote:
Originally Posted by GeminiNZ
Rant away, Jane! I know i would be in your situation. Ranting, crying, freezing, freaking out, feeling abandoned and angry and hurt and vulnerable - it's all okay and it all makes sense.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and i hope your T understands how painful and difficult it is for you and is supportive. Can you email him some of the hurt and angry thoughts and feelings? It doesn't matter if what you write doesn't make sense, or if it feels rant-y (if he's a good T, he'll be expecting that) maybe just getting a tiny little bit of it out there, to him, will help to dial it down a notch and give you a little bit of breathing space.
Thinking of you.  |
I am all over the place. So many different feelings surface, I can't even tell what they all are and what they all mean, they come and go so quickly....unless I keep really really busy.
I tried your suggestion, and I emailed my therapist and asked if I could vent what is going on for me in email to him, and that it may help to talk about it next week. He replied that I could. But something in his email......I don't even know what....felt..... wrong, and I felt myself shutting down. I tried, but I couldn't write, I couldn't get it out!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
I find myself upset for you too, you try so hard, and you always have.
I think that you are actually a very brave woman Jane. Ok, you did run, you did, OE
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I am so sorry OE. I wish I hadn't said something to make you feel upset, it really wasn't intentional. I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.
And, you are right I did run. So I don't see myself as brave...I think that has been weak of me.........I ran to get away from everything in my life. As a young child, I found out last year from mum, I would leave the house and they couldn't find me all day. I was always hiding away from spending time with the family.
As an a teenager I would hide in different ways, find other things to do to lose myself from the reality of my life. I started using alcohol for that then.
I ran from my first husband when it became to hard. I ended up running to the other side of the world.....I left my home country for 10 years.....
Always running, travelling, moving.....bad situations happening often, I was so unsafe with myself......
Anyway......yes, I kept running most of my life. It is my default setting unless I freeze in those moments of intense trauma.
I froze when my therapist told me he was applying for a job, to leave. I froze. And the voice in my head was yelling at me......RUN. GET UP, RUN OUT THE DOOR, GO, RUN!
And I couldn't.........just like all those other times. I stayed and let it happen.
Ugh.....this is too much, this is where I find myself unable to breathe, like someone is sitting on my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm not sure I can do this, I really don't want to work through this pain, I am not ready. I just want to not be around.
I don't want these suicidal thoughts that come at me. I don't want this.