I saw mt T/pdoc today who also wants me in hospital, said to go on the waiting list but there are 8 people waiting and by the time I get in I'll need to leave for the wedding next weekend. My doc asked if I could miss the wedding but no way. Unless Im dead.

Its my partners birthday today. I didnt drop home to get his pressie, thought it would be too tempting to smoke or stay home by myself. I already want to go home but I know I cant look after myself. This is so frustrating.

Im finding it so tiring to be around a family, and put on a not hysterically crying face. But at least Im not drowsy from the zyprexa. Docs say thats cos my level of distress is too high. I didnt get to meditate long today but might before bed when the house is quiet again.

Docs keep saying we'll get out of this but the both agree I need more intensive treatment.