So, I have been thinking about this for two days and I have now resorted to drinking again because it scares me..

On a good day (people around/things to do) I would say I have a 30:70 desire to live! If someone offered me an easy way to die i'd give it some serious logical thought.

On a bad day, like this afternoon (before alcohol), it was about 10:90. Sometimes I am scared that the 90 will overwhelm the ten and just get it done...

But this is the question part....

If my eldest daughter came to me and said, "Mum, I'm so depressed/ tired/ dead inside that 90% of me wants to die" I would be SOOOO desperately sad. I would hug her and find her a doctor or a hospital and want to help her! I would want to make her want to live. I would do anything.

(FYI - my eldest daughter is, thankfully, happy and full of life and has great friends and, as far as she knows, a great future..)

So - when I think I want to be dead, why don't I care about me the way i care about her?

Is it the drugs I'm on? Am I numb? Just why does it seem so far away and so easy when it shouldn't? Why is it not a big enough deal?

There isn't enough alcohol in the world to help me answer this....

Can you?