cool, i'm glad you guys liked it :-)

i've been thinking a lot lately about no-win situations and the notion of providing a different ending.

non-defensive. conveying that one is really hearing what the person is saying...

but that there is still no guarantee. one just has to persist with that.

been thinking about what went wrong with my past therapies too. i conclude... that they couldn't sit with me with my experience of humiliation and shame and anger and hopelessness and helplessness. they would try and change change change it because they couldn't feel the feeling.

i love my t.
so much.
i don't care if he is religious :-p
the church seems to spend most of its time praying for people who are less fortunate (in other countries)
and... for some reason...
he seems more human. ethical in a funny way.
strange. bizzare. but i've decided i don't mind.
doesn't make a damn to me.
but i'm finding it somewhat comforting strangely enough.

i love my therapist.

i told him... i told him part of me just wants to curl up safely in his arms and go to sleep. but that part of me was afraid he'd put me somewhere so he could do other things and then the danger would be bad. or afraid that when he extracted himself it would rip me apart. told him about feeling fractured / disintegrating too. by email. by email of course. could never say any of it in person.

and he was like 'you really opened up to me'. and he seemed pleased. and i was feeling kinda embarrassed and a bit ashamed... and he just kinda sat there with me. and it was okay. it was okay. he said that he didn't know what to say. there wasn't a lot to say that could do it justice. and that was okay.

and i told him about my dad and my stepmother (who are coming to visit next month). and it was okay.

i love my t.

is is scary though. being held.