Oh ((Jane)), no need to appologize to me, you have not done anything to hurt me at all. I am just sitting with you, understanding how you feel. I am also trying to help you grab on to some more postive thoughts about yourself, while the emotions surface. However, I also know that often they just come up whatever way they come up and I have learned to let what comes up to come out and then after the cycle just to quiety examine whatever comes out.

Now, when you talk about "yes I did run", that doesn't mean weakness, it is how we create a distance from something that is hurting us in some way. I ran too, it doesn't mean I was not brave, it means I was afraid. And that is what human beings are designed to do when they are afraid and feel threatened, it's instinct to create a distance from any threat as that allows for a sense of safety. This is also a way of how we stay connected to our body too.

You know what Jane? When I witnessed my neighbor's dog doing what it was doing that caused so much damage, I stood there "frozen". I looked back on that experience so many times thinking about what I could have done, should have done and have anger and self resentment that I just stood there frozen instead. "Freeze" doesn't mean weakness or stupidity, it just means that a person is taken by surprise so much that they go into a state of mind that freezes them from reacting. The hardest thing for me is being asked why I did not do this or that by lawyers or anyone because it takes me back to that moment and I don't know what to say, I am again Frozen and I feel like I am a bad person because I froze. Fight and flight memories are not nearly as hard as the "frozen" ones to talk about. When I did my deposition I had no one there "for me", at time I did not even have a therapist. My attoney needed to take from my deposition and give a long disertation about how he is not a bad Jew. That took place right at the point where I was trying to explain what happened and praying inside that I did not slip into a flashback. What he did shocked and embarassed me and I sat there frozen. I think you would have to see it to understand how utterly creepy it was Jane. And when he finally stopped and I was given permission to continue, I did slip into a flashback and all I can say is I was so embarrassed and everyone was looking at me and I could not talk or get out of it. The reality of that situation is that I was in a room with an attorney who's goal was to find a way for the insurance company she was representing to get out of paying for damages. She plays a role of being very nice to gain my trust, one can read about this and it is part of learning about what happens in a deposition too. I have to say she did a good job at that because I did like her. And "my" attorney was declining into dementia and his need to stop the deposition and give long disertations about himself was part of his demented need to review his identity to this lawyer who did not care but managed to be polite.

Abandonment? Yes, I did not have anyone to help me in that situation. I did freeze and flight and I look back and wish I had done "fight", but I really did not know how. Jane, am I failure or a bad person? It has been over 7 years and it has been over 4 years since that deposition and I have not been able to "finish" being deposed or telling my story. My lawyer kept getting worse and kept forgetting scheduled depositons, even though I literally begged him to please remember and get it finished, he still forgot because he was too busy in his own little world of dementia. And I called so many different attorneys to try to get help and because my lawyer was so well known, no one would help me. I got so bad, extremely suicidal that I had to let go of that and concentrate on therapy. My therapist did not realize the true reality of my sitution either. It finally got so bad that it was obvious and my therapist felt bad that all the time he was helping he did not realize the gravity of it.

Oh, I did not mean to put so much about myself here (feeling and wanting to say sorry). I guess it's my way of saying how very much I do know what abandonment feels like. I think it's just my way of letting you know that I know how it feels when these challenging emotions come forward, especially that feeling of failure. I think that the Bravery, comes the most in "talking about a hurt as I have just done". I think it is "brave" because I know how hard it is to talk about a deep hurt and trust that someone might hear it and provide the right kind of comfort. I am not asking you to do that for me either. Instead I just want you to see my hurt and think about how I may self blame and should not and in turn see how you may do the same and should not. It has taken me a while to realize that when my own guilt of not reacting and freezing surfaces, that they just need to surface and once that happens, I can then slowly learn how to be kinder to myself instead of self blaming.

I think it is important that when we try to recall and talk about a trauma, we are standing at a point where we can see an end result and think about things we could have done differently. Yes, it is very easy to be angry at self for whatever we did not do too. I was not only angry with myself, but I was also angry at how others seemed to consistently react poorly whenever I tried to talk about it. I think that for me the frustration that has been consistent is how very hard it has been to articulate how very challenging this experience really is. I would have to say that my own self anger is definitely connected to the struggle of trying to put it into words that can give it the meaning that others can understand. And what I have noticed is that it is this same challenge that I have recognized in every other person I have come across that also struggles with PTSD/trauma too.

So, when I say I hurt "with you", it is not anything you are doing wrong or to me. I am just sitting "with you" understanding and trying my best to help you not feel so alone because I do know what that feels like very intimately. I am trying to share the journey towards healing "with you" and I do know the challenge. I just wish I could sit "with you" in person. I am trying to do it spiritually as best as I can through my words, even though it is a challenge to find just the right words.