My wonderful Dad died last June. He struggled with an 8 month battle with stomach cancer, in which he was a healthy man up until he was diagnosed. When he was diagnosed he was told that it was terminal, but he wanted so much to beat it. He underwent chemo which left him so ill, but he chose to put himself through it anyway. My dad was my soulmate, and loved his grandchildren, my little boy and girl so much. He wanted to see them grow. He was only 59 when he passed. Yesterday would have been his 60th birthday.

I still struggle with his death on a daily basis. I miss him being here, chatting to him, laughing with him, hugging him, which is all normal things of grieving I guess. But I am finding it hard to deal with how he died. He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong. Before we knew it the doctor was telling us he only had a few hours left.

And that is what I still struggle with to this day, how my dad died. Nobody told me what it would be like, I read leaflets, looked online about the dying process, but nothing I read was how it really was. I guess dying from cancer is different to other deaths. But I just cant erase the memory of his passing from my mind, and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday.

I want to move on from this and accept the way he died. I feel like until I am able to understand the way he passed away, I cant move on.