I’ve posted before about my interests and concerns in applying for disability, and you can find those if you want to read more about my specific situation. But I’ve decided that I am ready to apply. I have no other options at this point. Now that I’ve accepted that I’m going to be applying, I realize how critical it is to get it done quickly because I know the process is long. But… Where do I start? I have so many questions and concerns still.

Firstly, can someone explain, in great detail, the difference between SSDI and SSI? I don't know which one I qualify for because I can't figure out the work credits thing.

I see my pdoc for maybe 15 minutes once a month. My mental health has slowly been declining for a while, and that is something she knows. But I’m worried that since I only see her for such a short time, I don’t get to go too far into detail about what’s going on. I’m afraid that she’s documented my decline in a way that doesn’t show how serious it is. My application could be denied outright just because of the lack of detail in her notes. I’m afraid to bring disability up to her, mostly because I still feel some amount of guilt in applying in the first place (which I know I shouldn’t, I don’t feel personally guilty, I just don’t want to have to talk about it with anyone because it makes me so anxious). While she knows about my mental health issues, I’m afraid that my normal demeanor when I see her (I dress well, I can talk to her pretty well without seeming anxious or distracted, I usually find myself not being emotional when I tell her that I’ve been having horrible problems with my emotions, sometimes I even forget to mention certain serious problems I’ve been having, etc.) makes it seem like I’m just faking it or looking for an easy way out. So that’s my first set of issues.

I stopped seeing my therapist about a 6 weeks ago because we got into a very heated argument about politics. It wasn’t heated on his part, but the things he was saying about his beliefs are things that I am absolutely offended by, and I ended up having a panic attack and storming out of his office after telling him I didn’t want to see him again. He has called to check on me since, but I will not talk to him on the phone. I wish I could say all that without seeming like I’m being intolerant of his beliefs, but he was saying some seriously racist and not-okay things that make me not be able to trust him as a person. I think he’s a really nice guy and he’s easy to talk to, but I couldn’t stand going back to see him after that. My issue with him and disability is that I’m not sure what he’s documented either. He knows that I smoke pot for anxiety (because I can’t take oral meds for it), and while he wasn’t opposed to it morally, he didn’t encourage it because of the possible legal ramifications. (My fiance has had past legal trouble with pot, and I’m very afraid that if I apply and my notes say that we smoke pot in our home, they could turn us into the police or something?) I’m also very afraid that disability could flat out deny me because of my pot use. I just don’t want to get myself into trouble or into an ugly situation because of it. Also, my Pdoc and therapist work in the same office. I found out recently that, even though I was patients to both of them, they do not communicate about me in any way. That means my therapist wasn’t telling my Pdoc about any kind of problems I was having, wasn’t letting her know that I’ve had serious periods of decompensation. That entire thing in itself makes me really upset because I feel like I’m not receiving adequate care through them.

I guess my last concern is the option of going in to apply for disability at the office in town. This might sound dumb, but I’m afraid I don’t “look the part” enough. I’m a 22 years old physically healthy looking lady, pretty attractive (please don’t take that as me being conceited), I style myself well, I have kind of a mohawk (which is a big deal here, even though it’s more of an asymmetrical short cut with the sides shaved- but my tiny conservative town in the south doesn’t see that very often). I absolutely know that disabilities come to people in all forms and fashions and lifestyle, but I’m afraid others don’t see it as such. I absolutely hate that people pass judgement on things like someone elses’ health based on what they look like or their demeanor in that moment, but I know it happens. I also worry about the fact that I’m pretty okay at talking to people for a short time, and I’m really friendly and smiley - If I were to go talk to someone at the disability office, I’m afraid that they’ll hear me tell them about these problems I have but then not believe that it’s as bad as it really is. “It can’t be that debilitating, she just sat here and laughed and smiled and seemed totally fine!” I hate it but I feel it looks like I’m going to apply for disability for a back injury while entering the office doing cartwheels, if that analogy makes sense. I just want to be taken seriously without having to fake being socially inept or something.

I also want to mention that endometriosis is a huge component of my (lack of) health. It debilitates me for 3-4 days a month, where I literally can't get out of bed of off the bathroom floor, hooked up to my TENS Unit, and my doctor will not prescribe me stronger pain killers than what I have now (which don't work). He's the best specialist in this half of my state, so it isn't a matter of finding a better doctor. I've been through two laparoscopies, uncountable hormonal birth control methods, I even went on low-dose chemotherapy (lupron and synarel) for a year at age 19 to put me into temporary menopause so my periods would stop. The side effects were awful, but worth it in my opinion, but I think I'm still experiencing complications from that medicine. But my problem is that endometriosis doesn't qualify as a disability, and many many many women get denied for that reason, even though the disease is debilitating to some every single day. Do you think also including this in my application for disability could improve my chances of approval?

So I guess I need advice. Where do I start now? I need like, step-by-step instructions on what my next actions need to be. I am doing this with the absolute and unquestionable support of my fiance, which is an amazing relief, but the rest of my family doesn’t know, and I do not plan on telling them. So.. What now? Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. I really appreciate it.

*EDIT*:

I also want to mention my complete anxiety about a possible situation that could arise in this. They determine your eligibility based on whether you can do job functions, mainly if you're able to do unskilled work. But that's my problem- doing unskilled work is one of my biggest triggers for my depression, ADD, rapid mood swings, oppositional defiance, etc. It is a bigger trigger for me than doing skilled work that stresses me out. Doing repetitive, unskilled work in horrible places (like restaurants/fast food) gives me such bad anxiety that the only thing I can think about while doing is that I want to kill myself to get out of that situation. I know it's extreme but it's just where my mind automatically goes when I feel like I'm working in a place that don't enrich me in some way. I'm terrified of getting told that I don't qualify because on paper, it seems like I should be able to sweep and mop floors or make a sandwich for a customer or put together parts in a factory or something. But those things bring out this horrible monster in my brain that really scares me, and I'm terrified of getting back into that position. There's also the fact that if I were to work in an unskilled place with a registered disability, they might give me a work load that is much simpler than a regular employee. That isn't bad, but my worry is that the other employees will see me as this seemingly healthy "able bodied" 22 year old who is just making problems up so that I get cut some slack and don't have to have as many responsibilities. I can't handle hostile work environments like that. Ugh. I just had to add this part in here, thanks for reading.