Hey guys,

I am an 18 year old male from Connecticut. I am a senior at a highly competitive prep school and I am waiting to hear back from colleges. I am an introvert, and I consider myself to be an "inbetweener" (not "cool", not "nerdy"). I have had some social problems since seventh grade when I changed from a public to a private school, although things have gotten better. I now have a decent group of friends that I hang out with infrequently. I have only been romantically involved with 2 girls in my life: one of them (when I was 16, she was 17) was in a relationship when we first kissed (a few weeks after we met), then she broke up with her boyfriend and a week or two later we had sex. I kinda lied to her and said that I had been with other girls before and that I wasn't sure whether or not having sex was the right thing to do so she stopped talking to me once she found out (not surprisingly). The only other time was when I kissed a girl recently (this December) that I have been friends with since 9th grade and our friendship is weird now, even after a mutual end to our short "relationship". I am super self-conscious, and even though I am interested in a few girls that I'm friends with I just tell myself that it will never happen and so I just do nothing. I am extremely skinny, which has been a problem for me since I can remember, and I always lose motivation whenever I try to gain weight. I've had some pretty dark times/emotional breakdowns before, but recently things have gotten worse. For almost no reason, I just started losing motivation/hope and can't get rid of a feeling of worthlessness. I don't really consider suicide an actual option, but recently it's the only thing I can think about when I'm alone with my thoughts. I imagine what it would be like if I did it and how I could do it. I shouldn't be this sad but I just can't get over these feelings. I can't talk to anyone in my life because none of my friends would understand and my family has enough to deal with (one half sister has major PTSD/Dissociative identity disorder, the other struggles with depression, and my brother has ADHD). I've always felt that my issues are unimportant compared to my siblings'. This was a problem when I was so sick and stressed during my junior year that I used SparkNotes on two English essays and was suspended for a day. This went on my college transcript, and (as I said before) now I'm anxiously waiting for responses after applying to 14 really competitive schools. I was already deferred from my top school Early Decision, which sucked. I was captain of my water polo team (been playing since 8th grade) this fall, and I really enjoyed it, but now that it's done there aren't many things that make me happy. Sometimes at night I just feel like someone is stabbing me in the stomach and head and I feel so worthless that I hit/scratch myself until I bruise/bleed. I would call a suicide hotline but there is nowhere that I can be alone/talk it out without anyone from home/school hearing. I don't know who to talk to or how to ask for help, I just feel hopeless. I appreciate any responses.