((((((((( Bex_1979 )))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved father last June. I can tell by your post that you adored him as he adored you.

I lost my beloved mom at the age of 60 to brain cancer. She, too, was in a hospice home for a little over a month before she passed. I was with her when she passed and it is a great blow to watch as they leave this earthly world.

Sometimes they go quietly, sometimes they seem to go with a great struggle (I saw that with a beloved aunt, my moms sister at the age of 93). I also have worked in nursing homes where patients often passed. It's hard to tell who will drift away and who will fight to the end. No matter which way they go, it is hard to watch and get over.

It's been less than a year since your dad passed. The feelings and memory of everything is still new and raw. How you move through your grieving process is normal for you. You are not feeling anything you shouldn't be feeling. I know it's difficult to replay his passing in your mind over and over again. I did the same with my loved ones as well.

As cliche as it may sound, time does patch the wounds enough so that they don't hurt as much, sting as much, douse us in such agony as they do in the beginning.

Is it possible that he never discussed with you that he was close to dying because he didn't want to hurt you? Is it possible he wanted to live out the rest of his days as though nothing was wrong, trying to keep it as normal as possible? To him, this may have been his way of giving you the gift of his normal self as much as he could before he left.

I hope that you are still speaking with your father like you did when he was alive. Talk to him about your day, about his beloved grandbabies and all the things you both talked about on a daily basis. I'm a firm believer that those we love are still with us, looking over us, loving us and just plain hanging out with us. Their energy continues long after their human bodies give out. And, they are forever alive in our hearts and minds.

I hope you will find this link helpful to you. It's about the 5 stages of grief -

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts. Be good to yourself as you work through the stages. Know that your dad wants you to be happy and healthy and to remember all those wonderful times you had together throughout your lives. Those are the times that will surely keep you going with a smile on your face.

Take good care!