The depression is severe. I lay in bed in a fetal position, wishing time and existence would go away and stop bothering me. I sleep as much as possible. I clutch a child’s toy that I’ve had for 50 years, a beat-up stuffed Lassie dog, a totem for luck or comfort, I guess. Stupid.

I want to run away to somewhere I can feel safe, only there is no place. Wherever I go, there I am, and I do not want to spend time with me anymore.

Yesterday, I did nothing, really. I got the car to the shop, where it remains. I came home and slept some more. I proscrastinate about moving my banking to New Orleans, because I’ve got to start tapping the home equity for living expenses, and I wanted to save it for the down payment on another home.

I fantasize about moving to Austin, and being a part of a loving Sufi community, knowing that I can be alone in the midst of a crowd, and lonely, and sad.

I wish I could call my brother to ask for help, but he despises my depression. I can’t burden my aging mother and her sisters with this. I have no friends who are willing or able to help.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to monitor my meds, but I don’t even know if I’ll still be in New Orleans by then. If I am, it will be inertia that keeps me here as much as anything. Two weeks from now to see him seems an eternity. Yesterday I played electronic solitaire and watched reruns on TV. I didn’t make needed phone calls. I didn’t look for work.

Perhaps I’m not eating enough and that affects my energy level. I am very tired now, at 9:30 a.m., after nine hours or so of sleep. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to look forward to but struggle and a downward slide in life with no happy ending. Even my therapists say things like, "Well, maybe you'll have a lesser job and lesser money, and a smaller home, but you'll really like your job and find friends and be happy."

They should try losing everything they've worked for all their lives and have somebody telling them that maybe they'll be happy despite all the loss. Ooopps, my anger is coming out.