"And I couldn't.........just like all those other times. I stayed and let it happen. " quote JaneC

((Jane)), you did not "let" this happen, you just did not have an immediate response to it, it came as a surprise to you.

Also, the fact that this happened, has brought forward some challenges you have had and you are actually doing a really good job at articulating it too. That "is" making progress even though it doesn't feel like it.

"Anyway......yes, I kept running most of my life. It is my default setting unless I freeze in those moments of intense trauma." quote Jane

This is a normal human "default button" Jane, we are designed to do this and it is crucial to our survival. It is also a sign of intelligence believe it or not because it is better to run and create space from then be trapped and controlled by something that is hurtful.

"I'm not really making much sense right now, sorry. But I am in a mess really and wondering........how do you deal with this." quote JaneC

Actually Jane, you "are" making sense, everything you have written makes sense. What I have heard from you a lot is that you have been in some challenging situations and you did not have others around you that had the capacity to help you understand and teach you what to do with certain emotional challenges. Abandonment doesn't mean a person isn't worthy, or a child isn't worthy, it means that the people that are in the child's environment or is interacting with, don't know "how" to listen, comfort, validate.
And a lot of people are actually "afraid" to do it because to comfort and validate means they have to "empathize" which means get in touch with their own "hurts".

That is why I pointed out the behavior patterns in your mother, and your sister too. These two women are uncomfortable with filling these needs because they don't "know how" and because of that they have found ways to put "things" in place to create a distance from. What you have done is decide their faults and lacks mean you are unworthy. This is what results from not having a parent or an adult that has the ability to "comfort and nurture".

Now, your own son is a good child, and you "do" nurture him and love him, I can see that whenever you talk about him. The reason he was "able" to be thoughtful and think about "your needs" by giving you his stuffed animal to cuddle with is because he is developing his understanding of how to "care, comfort, and empathize". He would not know how to do that had you not been a good and caring mother and nurtured and gave him permission to have emotions. If you did not nurture him the way you do, he would be afraid of "caring" and may even get frustrated inside because of this fear and confusion.

When I told you I hurt for you and was angry for you, you responded with "sorry". You felt that you were imposing on me because I empathized for you. That is what you have been taught and it certainly is "not your fault" Jane. Your internal challenge is that of feeling guilt for needing. Trauma work is not about being forced to recall the bad that happened with others in our life Jane. It is slowly finally sharing whatever is there with someone who understands how to see the "whys" and "the hurt and void created by whatever is there" and to help the person finally understand whatever is there, whatever they lost from it, and finally be given permission to feel and "mourn" whatever happened that hurt them.

A therapist is a person who is trained to understand "how" Jane. Someone who struggles with PTSD,complex PTSD, Borderline is a person searching for a rescuer, and a rescuer is a person who has the ability to "listen, be a witness to whatever happened, and help the person struggling to finally be comforted and grieve" because that person honestly doesn't know "how to do that" and most of these individuals did not have someone come into their life that helped them understand how to understand their emotions and what to do when others "hurt us". "Hurt people hurt other people".

People tear other people down because they feel torn down, people ignore others because they have been ignored, people are mean because others have been mean to them. People even decide to get angry and take it because they never had it and grow to believe that is the only way they will get or gain.

When we come across others who "don't know how", it is normal to be confused about that other person. We cannot self blame if others in our life path "don't know how" Jane. Every person we come across in our lives will have something they do not know how to do. People who don't know how have all kinds of ways they develop to "avoid" Jane too. What does help a lot is to learn how to observe others in a way where you can identify the things they "do not know how to do" and understand this is something about "them" and not you. This is what a good "nurturer" is supposed to help us learn. However, Jane, if that person/parent/adult role model doesn't know that, then the child that depends on them can struggle too. This is what "it is not your fault" really means ((Jane)).

"I don't want these suicidal thoughts that come at me. I don't want this." quote JaneC

When someone is hurting badly and very confused they can experience these thoughts.
These thoughts begin to lesson as a person slowly begins to learn to slowly release, talk, feel, and gradually learn and heal.

((Jane)), you really "have" made some important gains on your healing. This therapist is "not" Abandoning you, even though your life experiences of not having a person who "knows how" come into your life (however there have been "some" if you think about it). You have made progress and you "can" continue to keep doing so too. You "can" choose to understand what you are now looking for that can help you to keep gaining. You can also find help in your healing in other ways until you find another person who has learned "how". As you are on this path of learning gaining and healing, it is important to pay attention to your "self talk" because it really does let you know when you are turning "blame" inwards which is something you have to learn how "not" to do.

The truth is that the world is full of human beings that have "I don't know hows" in them. Everyone has the experience of coming across another person who can surprise them with a statement or behavior that they may not "know how" to react to right away.
This site alone is expressing that constantly. It's very human to "not know how", and it's ok to "learn how" as we each experience "life".

(((Encouraging Hugs)))
OE