Ok. i dont know exactly where i want this to go, and i dont know what i need, but i need someone to talk to that is not my husband, because i am going mental in my head here...

Everytime i start this post, i end up deleting it.
Maybe because i am not so fluent in english, so it's hard to explain myself.
Maybe because it's hard to explain feelings within an action.
Maybe i dont know...

I've been in a relationship for 12 years, for the past soon 5 we have been married, and we have had kids for 5,5 years soon.

I have seen an extreme anger in him since we met. But it only surfaced when he was drunk. We where teenagers, so obviously it was some drinking, but not more than "normal".
(his mom was terminally ill, past away in 2010 and i know that when he was 5 his parents divorced and he has felt like the messenger there aswell)

He never remembered just how bad he was after, the namecalling, the disgrace, the pity the disgust on his face and the terrible things he told me, how weverything was my fault...

But the last, what, 6 years it has been coming more and more rapidly and harder and harder when he is not drinking... (drinking still creates these alot, but he rarely drinks) it happens when he doesnt drink also. He breaks alot of stuff... he is angry condesending and kind of "goes for the kill" with his words. And in his eyes i see a madness, and a despair without likes.

When he gets close to the end, he can start laughing "hystarically", wanting to end this life, crying, and looking crazy/mad.

Before this i only see hate and disgust in his eyes, and he really has nailed the condecending terrible abuse then.

We can also have crazy arguments about normal things, and argue in a "normal" way. so it is not that this is "normal, or the normal fight"...
These fights normally just "jumps" out of nowhere, and are based on small misunderstandings that he just windes up and up... These comes out of nowhere normally, or out of me being sad or wanting to press an issue... I kind of has stopped that now... Or if saomething has happened he just misinterpit all i say and this spiral starts...
Very often it is because i want to press a small issue, and he makes it like i am trying to "get him", when i try to exxplain it is not this he just turns on my words and keeps it alive and makes it worse and worse...

I think he has a big deppresion, and also an anger problem.

He tells this: from neutral to superhappy there is a lot of shades.
From neutral to life ending bad, there is no nuances.
a little critisism is as bad as if someone kills his family. a trafficticket as bad as cancer. and so on.
Luckily, between his "snappings" he is reflected, we can talk and try to pick this to pieces, and he has begun to be reallu good at telling how he feels and acknowledgin he is struggeling. and from the period where our daughter was 2 and this happened 2-3 times a week, now i only encounter this 1-3 times a month. so it is getting better, but it is far from good.
But to go to get help, well, he doesnt have the time, and i think he is afraid. And I cant do it for him... HE needs to do this...
Our talks help him, and he gets better at not doing this AS often. But it is still to much for me, and I am no psycologist...

He has been saying he knows he need one for the past 5 years now... (i had prenatal depression for 9months after our first child, he got his worst depression after this. But the signs of this getting worse and worse where there before. it has gotten better after our daughter was 2, but it still is way to much...)

What i see he is doing: i cut out what is matching from this link: northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

signs of an abusive person: Women's Center - Northwestern University

although 2-3 days after a fight, he can reflect on this and say this is not true. It only happens “during and right after”… he is totally humble and open to this being wrong when talked about 2-3 days after, but I need to be quick, or ill start it again. But then normally he sees the signs, and say “woah, its starting again, we need to part and let this be for a couple of hours… lets do something else, play a game or something… But that is the ONLY time he is able to catch himself, never if we haven’t recently argued… And not allways ofc…

Breaking objects
An abuser may break things, beat on tables or walls or throw objects around or near the victim. This behavior terrorizes the victim and can send the message that physical abuse is the next step.
Use of force during an argument
An abuser may use force during arguments, including holding the victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, and pushing and shoving. For example, an abuser may hold a victim against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."
Blames others for problems
Abusers will rarely admit to the part they play in causing a problem. She will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames others for their feelings
An abuser will tell the victim, "I hurt you because you made me mad," or "You're hurting me when you don't do what I ask." Blaming the victim is a way of manipulating them and avoiding any responsibility.
Hypersensitivity
An abuser can be easily insulted. The slightest setbacks are seen as personal attacks. An abuser will rage about the everyday difficulties of life as if they are injustices -- such as getting a traffic ticket or not doing well on an exam.

Jekyll-and-Hyde personality
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these behaviors are related to other traits such as hypersensitivity. This is not always a sign of mental health problems but may be a way of controlling the victim by being unpredictable.


One more thing:
"Playful" use of force during sex
The abuser may like to hold the victim down during sex. They may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless. An abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. They may demand sex or start having sex with the victim when they are sleeping or very intoxicated.

We like roleplaying (not extremes just a little “oh no I don’t want to” “oh yes you do”…) and this has been normal. I was the one introducing this. And the second I seem “unwilling” he backs away, he is acutely aware of my needs ad wants during sex.
BUT: I have noticed the past 2-3 years, he has grown fond of holding my throat while having sex. Not chocking, just holdinglike “I own you”…I have asked, because it doesn’t bother me, but I do ask when I notice something new. And he told me he likes to feel in control and that he is “the man”…

And, I also know, that deep inside, he doesn’t like himself. He doesn’t feel worthy of anyones respecvt, he feels like a failure all the time , and he has started to “abuse alcohol”… just in terms of he takes 1 every day to dinner, because it numbs him he says. He is not comfortalble with himself…

I know he struggles, and I try I try to be the rock, and accept that he cannot possibli even be a small itty bity stone back. That if I have problems or am sad, he will loose it and go into spiraling.

But it is so hard, I have my own things to struggle with, trying to overcome my need to feel in control and to survive surprises

IU have done this for many years, and has never had any “big” problems either, but I have worked so hard with myself that I never scream, or get angry or anything. I reflect over EVERYTHING before voicing it. Therefore I know that in 70% of all of this, he is the sole “starter and keeper” of the anger, it is rarely the truth that I start this as he is saying then…

And he gives me all the qualities he does not like in himself.
you keep me inside, I can never meet the guys, you make me mad, if you had kust…

It is over 7 years since I managed my jealousy problem and stopped with all of this controlling… So he is grasping. Now he can leave whenever, as long as it fits into our work two children schedule ,which is often. But he never visits friends… unless it is to drink. And this happens 1a motnh…

Now im just babbling, so ill shut up.
This started good, then became a rant.
I’m sorry, it probably doesn’t make any sence, but I needed it out…