about me:
i was in a physical and psycological abusive relationship from 14-16
i have been with my husbad since 17
i have been to a psycologist at the age of 16 to get a hang of ME and get out of the bad relationship (i seeked out this myself, my parents didnt know until i told them at the age of 16)

I have been struggeling with selfworth, i know what i am worth but i dont think anyone else believes this.

I have been struggeling with a prenatal depression in 2009.

I have gone to personal counceling and psycologist from 2009.2010 to REALLY hardly work on my problems, getting to where i am today.

i now always (95%) think of my responce, reaction and what others will think before answering, i keep a close connection with my heart and mind, and i am amazing at mindfullness...

I DO need reassurence and a strong man to hold me when i am down. I rarely project my bad mood over to others, but tell that "now i feel bad, i think it is because of, etc etc"

If i do have a problem with others, i tell "this made me feel this way" never accusing.

This is what i learned from 2009-2010, an have been practicing ang getting better at ever since, getting to love my "Zen"...

My husband regularily praises me for never being angry, being tolerate and being able to calm him during these fights. For putting up with him, and for having my qualities.
He says i calm his every day, and make him better. I also see the effect i have in calming ang getting him to open, and i have seen the imensly positive effect over the last 5 years.

Before this, the physiological attacs where intence and very bad, because i did not know how to react, and gotoffended and retaliated there and then. and it happened every 3-4 times a week, often without my provocation but i sure kept it alive.

But, i cannot fix him, he needs to do the same work for him that i did for me, its not even certain that what helped me will help him, he needs to find his "fix" in this...

and i need someone to pick me up, after he has put me down... And this is what i do now.
talk, and shares, and wonders, is this normalø, what CAN it be???

Because i am spet after yesterday.
and after having two remote controls, 5 xmas decorations, 2glasses broken, other stuff thrown the house around, be being pushed around, and him standing over me telling me how terrible i am and how i make him drink and break stuff...

he gets crazier and crazier, starts to laugh and act realy "mad" like he's lost it.

He keeps it alive, start to dringk so he can fuel it, goes crazy. tapping on his head with a knife saying this life is like chinese water torture, that i do this to him and a lot.

Whatever i say he ignores and rants more and more.

At last i had to sit on him. tell him "WHO do YOU say CALM you and is the rational one, tell me HONEST"

"you" hahaha, vaving with bottle, "im going mad"

"Then, THAT part listen to me, COME BACK TO BED, and i dont give a **** what the rest of you says, COME HERE"

He comes, lays down. cries, then rants, then cries then says
"ignore me, im just out to be a bad person and to hurt you"
"I know" i answer
"He cries more, and falls asleep"


This only works when he goes from angry, hate, disgust, attack me
to "borderline crazy, mental breakdown"

If i try this before, it ends in a bigger fit. i need to wait for the break,

Before that i need to keep quiet, walk around to keep him from going into a drinking fit, turn back when i try to leave... Or scream back that "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID" when he is in my face, just to get to the "breaking down par" faster, because if not, hell start to drink, and i cannot sleep, because i AM afraid he'll kill himself, he has said honestly before that during these times that is all that is in his mind...