Hi

I'm not 18 and I'm a girl, but I went through a similar arc to you--I was a smart kid in a competitive school, and graduated at 16--then I crashed into a depressive episode that lasted until my sophomore year of college.

What you're describing isn't all that unusual, and it happens to a lot of us around your age--there's a lot of changes, a lot of new pressure, a lot of uncertainty and it can be too much. There's no shame in admitting you're depressed or struggling. Yes, your family has their own problems but that doesn't negate that you are also dealing with a serious mental health issue. It can be so hard to reach out and admit it out loud--it took me months in therapy before I'd even say the word "depression", because I was a smart, hard-working, 99th percentile type and we don't get depressed! So wrong, and now I wish I'd sought help much sooner.

Now, the one thing that worries me (and makes me feel for you) is you mentioning suicidal thoughts. I've also struggled with this, and I know how alone, hopeless and just bone-deep sad it can make you feel. But that's your depression talking. It lies to you and tells you things would be better that way, but they just won't. You need someone to talk to. I completely understand your concerns about privacy and worries about people pulling back or judging you--and sadly, some might. People are afraid of mental illness, and they can react badly, like frightened people do. (And some are just jerks, which also sucks but at least dealing with a mental illness teaches you who your real friends are.) But I guarantee there is at least one person in your life who can relate to you, who will listen and understand. Is there any way you can talk to someone in your school's health center/nurse's office? You're 18, so confidentiality applies--they can't tell anyone, even your parents, unless you give permission if you talk to them about what you're dealing with. They may be able to refer to you a therapist or a doctor to discuss these issues further and trust me, getting this off your chest to SOMEONE is going to be a huge relief.

Hang in there. There are a ton of people who are here for you, who've been exactly where you are.

(And PS, don't stress out too much about getting into a particular college. I was waitlisted at my top choice, ultra-intensely academic Ivy League school and ended up going to a much more relaxed university on the opposite coast--it was the best decision I ever made and I got a lot more actual useful experience in my field, and was able to jump right into a great job at a top employer. I also had much less student debt because it was a state university instead of a private one.)