Quote:
Originally Posted by nicoleflynn
I would get therapy....for YOURSELF. He needs to go alone; you can contact the Domestic Violence hotline.
You cannot help him.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He is using emotional blackmail re the killing himself. Look at the Domestic Wheel of Violence: domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
This is waaaay too much to deal with; leaving and protecting your children is the best you can do; trust me you may not think they know what is going on, but they do....dependidng on their age.
Again, you need to realize you can NOT help him.
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No... I kind of know it is not my place to help him, and that i can not do it.
By now he has gotten to the place where he can be honest about this, aknowledge his problem. But there we hit a standstill 2 years ago...
I still go to therapy. And she also tells me that this is not mine to fix. Before our last fight, he went with me to therapy. And told the woman about this.
And that he now wants to seek help. After our fight he sent me now today a message, i am getting help.
This is as far as we have ever gone... And i hope that with help he will get better. He will manage his anger, and he will get to know and love and trust himself again.
I can not think of living without him, but also not with the man he is now.
our children are 3 and 5, this only happens when they are not around, because he only drinks if he is sure about them not waking up and seeing him drink.
And as long as he does not drink now, i am able to defuse him before we're getting to the "destroying things" point.
we also by default don't talk about any sore points when they are awake, knowing that they should not be a part of arguments (this is learned from family counseling while i had my depression, and we really made a GREAT deal of work making the childrens environment safe)
Unfortunately i feel he builds up just to explode harder then those times we do fight and no one is around...
I guess it is not good to be around it. But there is nowhere else to go. He was there through my depression, doesnt i own him as much, atleast if he now actually get help.
I have said it is a requirement, dont be afraid of work, it is in our law that he is permitted time to see these types of doctors without fearing of loosing your job. But i know he is scared. "if the thoughts in my head is not me, then who am i?" he has said.
We almost parted because of this 5 years ago. After that it has gotten better and better, but really not fast enough, although you cant push it.
but i believe all the fallbacks has to be because he does not get proffesional help...
He shows the signs of phsycological and material abuse. A LOT...
But, he has traits who show other "mental" problems, and also signs that shows he does not WANT to be like this, other than the normal "abusive, i dont want to be like this" sdigns...
I cant explain it, i've gotten to know it after all our talks...
So my main problem is, how do i support my husband, while saving myself ansalso shielding our children. i guess...
Because until he gets well, it isa great toll on me. Emotionally i am drained for atleast 2 days after a fight like this. and i walk on eggshells all the time.
And he is so assertive, good and helping between his fits... and so vounerable and scared, and angry but so so open...
Until somethings catches him of guard, and he can not get to himself before falling off. and when falling off, he can not get in contact with himself..
How do you support someone who loves you, and you love, but at the same times destroys you... Without giving up on them...