Last week I met with a campus counselor about feeling out of place in my field of study, as there are next to no women and very few of them are serious about it, anyway. I stay after to catch up on the hands-on work that I have very little experience. My lab partner doesn’t show any curiosity during class, texts while we’re working, and bolts at the end despite being inexperienced. The usual. The counselor recommended me to two women in that field on campus to reach out to or as potential mentors, and we agreed that e-mail was the best way to get in touch.

I sent out e-mails Monday... and now on Friday evening there's no response. Just a simple hello, a reminder of who I was, who introduced us, and why I was contacting them. Asking for their opinion on a related topic and thanking them for their time.

So, reaching out to the campus counselor and trying to put a stop to the loneliness and fear that's damaging my ability to study did nothing at all but remind me just how alone I am. I'm too embarrassed to go back to the school counselor and say that neither of them responded, putting the problem on her again and drawing attention to how messed-up I am. She was nice, but didn't really understand what I was upset about the first time. I already feel utterly alone and rejected by other women in this field, and I don’t want her to see that the two she recommended me to – one I was actually introduced to – didn't want a thing to do with me, just like the rest of the world.

Other people are born charismatic social geniuses, and here’s one more thing I have to face alone because I can’t even make friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve this in childhood, but it must have been pretty awful when even the people bullying 13-year-old girls online and ex-convicts have support. Guess that makes me the scum of the Earth in the eyes of those who believe in a just world.