marmaduke and divine, so sorry to hear you've had similar experiences with your parents.. No one should have to go through that

marmaduke, yes, my parents are self-centered as well. It seems to me like they're still looking for the parent figures they themselves never had - while they kept me alive physically, I had to be their parent emotionally. That's so messed up! My whole adult life, I've felt like I don't get life - because I never had anyone as a child who I could have gone to and ask all my questions, no one to explain to me what everything meant!

A lot of what you wrote could have come from me.. I'm an emotional orphan, too. I don't think my dad will care much if I die before he does.. Why would he when he doesn't even know me! And doesn't want to.. Once, he sent me an email asking how everything was going. It started with, 'Just asking..' My therapist said it's like he's cutting himself out of the picture right from the start! Basically, it's him saying 'Not that I really care, only asking because I've got nothing better to do..' My therapist and I both suspect that for him, having a wife and kids means status - to him, our value is in him being able to call himself a husband and dad, but he doesn't want anyone near him, not really..

My mum would be sad, but not for losing me (since she's never wanted to know me either) but for what I did for her - sad for losing that compliant kid who would have done anything for her because I didn't know any better - or to be honest, I did know they were using me even as a young child but didn't dare admit it to myself, not really.. Too awful to realise your folks don't love you!

I'm really feeling their loss tonight.. How can two people be there, physically, right next to you, but not BE there at all!? What do they get out of that? What kind of life is that, never letting anyone get near.. I've been the same but it kills me, to be that scared that I can't let anyone get close - and I want to keep working on it all the time so that I'll be able to one day, as soon as possible!!! How can they have decided and chosen to live cut off from everyone their whole lives?! They must be sick..

Reeeally feeling the loss in my chest tonight.. </3