So I got hired recently apparently. Haven't started work yet but it's starting to really get to me. I don't know if I can do it. I am tired just doing nothing. Perhaps I shouldn't have tried to do anything. I feel suicidal about it. I think I would rather not wake up tomorrow. Why am I so weak. I disappoint myself yet I can't seem to not disappoint myself. It's just like with the other job where I quit on the first day cause I can't seem to handle the stress? I get stressed with daily things and perhaps I shouldn't have tried for a job and to be normal. I thought getting a job would help with my confidence but I feel it's actually gonna hurt me more.

Nothing can help me I think. It's like a bad repeat of the last time. Now all I can think of is wanting to quit and it's just bad. I don't have any support in continuing. I don't want to get out of bed.

I hate myself.

I might need to go to a hospital, I don't know. I might hurt myself. I had the idea in the back of my mind for awhile which would work- it goes away when I just stop thinking. When I go back to trying I feel poor about myself. It can't work. Perhaps I should just try to write or something instead. Actually try to write. It's not like I'm desperate for money. Maybe desperate for a feeling of independence but I can't seem to handle stress at all. I don't like feeling suicidal. I don't want to live either though.

The worst is how everyone says they are proud of me for getting the job. I feel like I'm gonna let everyone down. Though they probably don't really care and it will be as expected.