Hello. I haven't posted in this forum before.

I have an eating disorder as well as bipolar. It started out as anorexia and is basically still that except I'm not quite underweight any more.

My mood is in the toilet right now and I can't tease out whether it's the bipolar doing it or the eating disorder.

I kind of figured out today that whenever I should feel good about myself, whenever people compliment me, I end up feeling much worse. It's like the eating disorder is trying to keep me hating myself so that I don't recover and leave it behind.

Today I sang an original song and did some poetry at a coffee house and immediately afterwards, amidst a lot of compliments, I just wanted to hide, escape, not necessarily "hurt myself" but not necessarily be nice to myself either.

I just don't know how to end this self hate. Maybe the bipolar board isn't the right place for it, but it seems decently busy and I'm hoping for the maximum amount of support.