Hello,

I am new to this forum to ask about my problem because I couldn't find any sort of information regarding this topic online.

So my first psychotic episode broke out in 2010.
Back then I was (unhappily) in love with a girl.
For the first time the voices revolved around me and her. Her voices making me go to her house and what not. I don't want to go into details about that here.

Later on "she" started to call me a homosexual, ****** and the likes.
After hearing your voices tell you you're a homosexual for months you start to question your sexuality.

I assume I am suffering from HOCD which is basically a fear about turning/being gay.
But I don't know anymore what to believe. So far in my life I've only felt attraction towards and could only fall in love with women. But these voices really tried to convince me otherwise. And since it's voices coming from my brain I am afraid that what they are saying is true.
Now almost 5 years later they still haven't stopped.
Obviously I completely stopped trying to get into relationships until I am certain about my sexuality.
I have days where I don't even care about this topic at all and life is great.
But then something happens and I start questioning myself again.
This is really bothering me but I can't go to a therapist because this is a rather ridiculous and embarrassing problem. I am also afraid that he'll diagnose me as gay, which would be a reason to jump in front of a train.

I don't know exactly why I'm even posting this since nobody here has the capacity to fix me. Guess I just need to vent a little because this is really messing with me.

I have to say that I have nothing against gay people, I just simply don't want to be one myself, even though I am afraid I could be one.